A subtle push

There are times when I can feel the Holy Spirit prompting me to do something, and it's easy to ignore Him and move on with my own agenda. Thennn, there are times when I know that I know, that I'm about to miss out on something huge if I don't go where God is saying to go. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit is faithful to come up and subtly (or not so subtly!) propel me forward.

I don't know what kind of church you attend, or what worship style you're used to...but I'm so grateful to be in a body of people that isn't offended when someone (myself) suddenly starts sobbing or dancing in the middle of worship. Looking at this year thus far, I can now clearly define several areas where God has checked my heart and caused my perspective to align with His. Specifically in the area of dancing, I realized that I have taken this gift for granted all too often, as if it was my decision to decide when/where/how/why I dance. (which it is, but I see it more as a choice to surrender all of those parameters to God and walk in HIS will....does that make sense?) I've had several moments this year, where I've desperately wanted to dance, but was not physically capable of doing so...gave me a new gratitude for the fact that God examines our hearts during worship, not how high our hands are raised our how loudly we're singing.

But now that I can dance again - why don't I?! If God has given me a way to worship Him that allows me to expressively pour out my heart to Him...aren't I robbing God of His Glory if I choose to do the minimum, when He has equipped me with so much more? Church was amazing tonight (as always, praise the Lord!), and you could feel the definite push of the Holy Spirit going on all evening. I finally responded and began dancing...I have no idea what I did, but that's okay, because all I could do was try to express how my life is nothing without Him and how in love I am with my sustaining Love. I mean, if I continued to simply stand in my spot, I don't believe I would have sincerely been giving God my all.

When I got home this evening, God kept connecting the dots, and reminded me of what I had read in my quiet time this morning:
"Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive." - Jesus Calling (p326)
I was able to start dancing, because I had released my pride and my burdens and was ready to receive the garment of praise that God has for me. Worth it.
Plus, with all of the internal renovation God was working in me - it wasn't for me - it's all for HIS Glory! So it's no surprise that I found myself in Psalm 29 earlier this morning, as well.
Ahh, LORD, You are Glorious! May my life be a reflection of Your perfection...


Psalm 29 (ESV)

Ascribe to the LORD Glory

A Psalm of David.

1Ascribe to the LORD, O heavenly beings,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
2Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness.

3The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD, over many waters.
4The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is full of majesty.

5The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks the cedars of Lebanon.
6He makes Lebanon to skip like a calf,
and Sirion like a young wild ox.

7The voice of the LORD flashes forth flames of fire. 8The voice of the LORD shakes the wilderness;
the LORD shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.

9The voice of the LORD makes the deer give birth
and strips the forests bare,
and in his temple all cry, "GLORY!"

10The LORD sits enthroned over the flood;
the LORD sits enthroned as king forever.
11May the LORD give strength to his people!
May the LORD bless his people with peace!

Not enough words...

...to truly capture what went down this weekend. ha, I really don't have any words in particular, but I'm going to try anyway. You know, God can tell you to do something and give you confirmation upon confirmation, yet nothing quiiite clicks until His power manifests and just consumes every part of me.

I had no idea that I would share this weekend about my MS diagnosis; I planned to be much more general/vague, but God had/has something greater in store. I'm so thankful for the people He has blessed me with that also hear from the Holy Spirit and continue to encourage me..so so so BLESSED! "where would I be, if not for Your grace, carrying me in every season?" My prayer is that whatever words I spoke or move I made were so much bigger than myself and turned everyone's focus towards my Savior - may HE receive all the glory. I'm still amazed at how humbling it is to have physical control and power taken out of my hands..well, it never really has been mine to take charge of. Yet God is gracious enough to give us a free will and then love us just the same when we lay down what we're holding on to so tightly, and reach for His hand instead.
This entire week and weekend has also helped me understand why last week seemed to suck so much - satan kept trying to distract me from what God was preparing my heart for, and it didn't work. Sweet Lord, may my life continue to bear much fruit for YOUR Kingdom. ahhh, and I'm out. God is awesome.

DIScouraged

sweet Jesus...I have never fought so hard to count it all joy. If there's ONE thing God has hammered into me this year, is that He can use all of my circumstances and work them together for good - no matter what. So, why do I currently feel so attacked?? This is not pleasant...Lord help me.

Held by His hand

"I oughta know by now that face-down at Your altar is the place where I need to start..." - B. Reith

I'm so excited for my birthday to come...haha, I am readyyy to move on to another year of life. I wouldn't trade all of these lessons that God has taught me this year, but oh my goodness - what a process it has been. I'm thankful that God knows me infinitely better than I know myself, that He did exactly what He had to in order to reach me and remove my excuses. Especially being a dancer, I'm used to controlling my own body and deciding when I do what I do. It's entirely too humbling to have that power stripped out of my hands. I hate feeling so undependable, yet God then reminds me that I am to find my strength and security in Him. I can't control what other people may expect of me, but I can control how I reflect a Christlike attitude towards them. (and it should say that I am NOT my own!)

Something that's been a little discouraging to me lately, is realizing how many discouraged friends I have currently. I must be sure that I'm speaking His truth in love, because I so badly just want to go shake them and say 'Don't you understand how this circumstance is the perfect chance to see God be glorified in your life?! You'll get to first-hand rely on HIS strength and power through your weaknesses!' Now, if I hadn't already been going through such a turbulent year, how would I be able to share this knowledge?

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1st Thessalonians 5:16-19)

^^^it's still a process, not instantaneous. Though I've also discovered, that just by having a thankful heart/attitude - it opens up my eyes to the abundance of blessings God has already placed in my life. I love driving to work/school in the mornings, and just thanking God outloud for whatever blessings come to mind...ah, He is so faithful! If only I would take the time each day to share the work He is doing in my life. (I am so thankful that He is not even close to being done with me yet.)

And, another verse my Uncle Nicholas & Auntie Dottie gave to me:

fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

I am so humbled to have recently had days where I can literally not support myself on my own two feet, and I know it has been HIS hand that continually upholds me (hallelujah). Please be encouraged to know that whether you 'feel' His presence or not - God's hand is there. Seek Him and you will find Him. (Matthew 7:7) Not being able to really dance these past few months has also heightened my perspective of worship, and makes me so thankful that God is checking our hearts. Personally, if I'm not really able to move my body, I don't feel like I'm honestly giving God my all. (but He knows me, knows what I want to be doing whether I'm physically capable of expressing it or not). So, I am definitely convicted yet still encouraged to give Him my all in EVERY area of my life; not making worship an act, but a sincere lifestyle.

currently reading

"We may change, but His Word does not change because it is true for every stage of life, in every circumstance. It keeps us in in touch with the new. It keeps us real in our expectations, promising not a trouble-free trip but God's presence in every trial." (pg 151)


"The discipline of praying is the seedbed of retaining wonder. For here God brings our wills into alignment with His, enabling us to face both the grim and the triumphant and put them in the context of the greater story. Prayer is not the means of bringing our wills to pass but the means by which He brings our will into line to gladly receive His will." (pg 163)

--> from "Recapture the Wonder" by Ravi Zacharias

God has really been working on my heart, helping me to keep all my current circumstances in perspective of His ultimate circumstances. I no longer have anything to fear or worry about, when I realize that right now is not forever - God always has something bigger/better/greater/different in store down the road. (not an easy thing to keep in mind, especially when I cannot control my immediate environment. ahh, thank you Father that I am NOT the one in control...keep me humble before you.

Amazed

Seriously? wow.
Thankfulness seriously opens you up to the presence of God. Just, how He chooses to love us - not in spite of, but regardless of whatever we've done. I am continually amazed at how He has chosen to use me and change my life, especially in this past year. The knowledge that He holds my right hand, goes in front AND behind me - I'm surrounded everywhere I go. He has taken my circumstances and used them to CONVINCE me of His love, His faithfulness, His mercy, His grace, His absolute sovereignty over every aspect of life. (Lord, I'm amaaaazed by You - how You love me) Makes me want to weep...He's just so. good.
I can't even tell you what this song means to me; calms my heart, settles my spirit, and energizes me simultaneously. ah, Jesus, I will worship You for who You are.

Something I'm working on - I understand that people praise & worship in different ways, and that everything we do is supposed to be a form of worship/glorifying to God. What I don't understand, is when you KNOW how great our God is - how can you just sit with your hands in your pockets during a worship service? (however, there's the whole "be STILL and know that I am God," which is completely legit) Maybe it's just because I've danced for so long that I'm used to moving when I hear music..but I don't think that's all of it. I guess, I'm just not capable of expressing my love for Him by not doing anything. I don't know...but I do know that God sees where your hands are, as well as where your heart is (and that's the half that really matters). It could just be me; we all worship differently, and it's judgment on my part to think less of someone for simply being still.

ahhhhhh, but LORD! please oh please let my future beloved have a desire, a passion to worship You with his whoooole heart! I want to be led spiritually and be able to sincerely respect and love him..just, please let him want ALL that You have for him. I feel like crying at the thought of having someone who wants no part of Your Holy Spirit...I can't even describe how encouraging it is to see a man (or woman) completely broken before You...may he be like that, too. Let him know Your love, and yearn to feel it and share it each and every day. I just don't want to be standing in church with someone sitting next to me... God, if this desire is not of You, then please break it, mold it, form it, change it, SOMETHING..but there must be a reason that I feel so passionately about this. Daddy Lord, may we both be hungrier and hungrier for allll of You..don't let us settle for less than Your perfect will. Thank you that no matter what - You make all things work together for my (our) good. Father, you're so faithful and beautiful...I just love You, and will continue to give You ALL my worship. In Your precious Name, amen.

5, 6, 7, 8...

(of Psalm 62, that is)

⁵My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him.

⁶He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved.

⁷With God rests my salvation and my glory; He is my Rock of unyielding strength and impenetrable hardness, and my refuge is in God!

⁸Trust in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is a refuge for us (a fortress and a high tower). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!

I was thinking last night, about how often I say the phrase "God is good!"...I get caught up because it seems that 'good' is not an adequate word to describe His glory. Or, is it enough to just say "God IS." Doesn't that sum it up? The very reason we exist is because He IS. The reason we have a purpose is because He IS. ha, the reason I have my sanity is because God IS. (Rather, from God's perspective - us saying 'He is,' is like God saying 'I AM.')
more than all I want
more than all I need
You are MORE than enough for me

:) pause, and calmly think of that.

Feel the Burn

We started our summer office workout series today, woohoo! I am loving our bi-hourly crunches and arm toning...it makes the day go by faster to think of it in half-hour increments. There's something about group exercising that motivates me more than solo workouts; I don't know if it's the competition or the comraderie, but it's nice to know that someone else is feeling the burn right there with you. Some are breathing through the pain, others are whining through it, as our boss gently yet firmly leads us through five minutes of killing calories.

But what is it about "the burn" that's so motivating? To me, a burn means that I'll end up with results, with progress; with so much effort going into it, I know that it's going to be worth it on the other side. And how God that this is parallel to my life! I don't believe you have to go through pain for everyyything in life, but I know that there are times when God places trials in my life to increase my faith and trust in Him...and if I didn't suck it up and go through those times, I certainly wouldn't be where He has me now. I can breathe through it, or whine through it, yet He'll be gently coaching me along the way - if I am willing to listen to His calming voice. There's that verse where a hundred years is but a second to God, and a second is a hundred years..those five minutes seem to go on for a while, and each thirty minutes seems to pass by quicker than the previous. But the sooner we go through it, it's like, "okay God, we persevered through that - what do You have for us next?" I love equating my physical strength with my spiritual, because they are surprisingly equal; my progress in one area motivates me to tone the other one.

By the end of the day, the whining had ceased considerably, either from exhaustion or the hope of soon being done altogether. But it definitely opened my eyes to how I'll complain my way through trials, instead of praise my way through...I may reach the same destination as the person next to me, but my ride will be a whole lot smoother if I take the focus off of my own issues. God always always always has something bigger at hand than I realize...

Facebook Fast

No, that doesn't mean click as quickly as you can to Facebook...only four days away, and I am already realizing what a disgusting amount of time I spend there. (I can't lie, it's taking an incredible amount of self-control to stay away) and I must admit, I feel rather disjointed by taking a break from my online community...but why? Since when did looking at someone's picture, reading what they're doing for the afternoon, and typing out a seven word response mean we were best friends? If you haven't yet, I highly recommend that you invest some time into reading C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves." It will cause you to redefine 'friendship' in your own life, and realize the difference between friends, companions, acquaintances, etc...makes me want to strengthen some friendships, and end others...it's simultaneously convicting and encouraging.

I'm excited to start blogging again, I miss the Xanga days ((still have mine actually, there's some pretty funny stuff on there)). I've kept consistent journals since I was 12 years old..and lately I've really felt a pull to share what God has been showing me. I know that some day the record of my random, fourteen-year-old thoughts will serve a purpose, either in a book or simply for my own daughter to read one day. But as I grow up, I'm able to more effectively articulate and share what exactly God has going on in my life...especially now that I realize whatever happens to me affects more people than I realize. Honestly, I'm entering into a season of life that has several different focuses...

1) I'm learning ((again)) what it means to fully rely on my Savior---He is EVERYTHING. Nothinggg this world or other people have to offer will ever satisfy me; yet when I make a mistake, God is gracious enough to let me learn and (hopefully) not repeat the same mistake again.

2) I'm done ignoring things I know God has laid on my heart to do. For instance, the last few times I've fasted, I have refused to give up Facebook...ha, it's finally time. ((might have been easier if I listened the first time, but there are several reasons I'm happy to be fasting now)) Also, this blog; I know that there are things the Holy Spirit reveals to me that I'm supposed to share with more people than myself...and this is definitely a small way to start, but it's just that - a start!

3) The poetic title of this blogishness, Undiluted Grace (it's true, it took me a while to come up with something so pretty sounding) But it is so. much. more. His Grace is the reason we're alive - "the free and unmerited favor of God." I am where I am by no plans or purposes of my own, I simply chose (and choose every day) Jesus. It's not only undiluted grace, it's undeserved...I am pond scum, and yet He still chooses to use me as a vessel for His purposes. Unfathomable.

So much has been changed in my life in the past three weeks...relationally, physically, academically, spiritually...lots of tears, laughter, and hard work along the way, but I wouldn't trade it. I'm learning that what others may see as a mistake, is not always true...I've personally realized that God DOES answer prayers, and will give exactly what you ask Him for. However, what I'm asking for...doesn't always turn out to be what I truly want. But the cool part (no matter what happens!!), is that God can use anything, and work it all together for our good...if I will only get over myself and surrender my petty issues to Him.

Wow, this turned out way longer than I expected it to...but this is my current status, and there's no way I could have fit all of it into that rectangle provided by our friends at Facebook.